


The Land of The Lost

by MysticaSmith



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types, Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu, Keeping Up Appearances, Land of the Lost (TV 1974), Once Upon a Time (TV), The Hunger (1983)
Genre: 1970'S TV, British Humor, Carmilla - Freeform, Established Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Evil Queen - Freeform, Gen, Hyacinth Bucket - Freeform, Land of the Lost - Freeform, Minor Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold, keeping up appearances - Freeform, rumpelstiltskin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6760366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticaSmith/pseuds/MysticaSmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are many reasons, all of them good, why you don't want Rumpelstiltskin as your travel agent. Carmilla is from a book published in 1897 by Sheridan LeFanu. She is a vampire who is cursed to always use anagrams of her name- and Cara Mills works so well. This is the first chapter, and Hyacinth will appear in the second, the Marshall family in the third. I'm not sure how many chapters this will have, but Miriam Blaylock doesn't appear until the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Enchanted Forest- Years Ago

“Mirror, there must be a way to bring him back,” Regina said.  
“There is perhaps one way, but there are no guarantees.”  
“Show me.” She gazed at the mirror as a party scene formed at the court of King Midas. Lilting strains of strings and the occasional vocal or chime added to the sweet, festive sounds. Dancers spun and laughed, keeping time to the music and then changing partners. The mirror focused on one lovely dark haired lady of about sixteen. “Countess Carmilla? She’s a penniless teenager from the Iron Hills who hasn’t paid a tithe or taxes in years. How is she supposed to help me revive Daniel? She has nothing.”  
“She has a secret. The Countess is a six-hundred year old vampire. The only one in this realm.”  
Regina smiled, “Change him into a vampire and raise him!”  
“There are dangers, my queen,” he intoned, a note of nervous worry, “Her magic is in her blood, and you must be very careful never to touch it yourself…”  
“We can work out the tiresome details later. I’ve got a party to attend!” Turning to a full-length mirror, she changed her gown and hairstyle, and teleported herself to the court of King Midas, only to find the Countess no longer dancing but hiding in the shadows, whispering and giggling in the arms of another woman. “May I have a word with you?” Regina interrupted.  
Carmilla looked over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow, “Now?”  
“You are the Countess Carmilla from the Iron Hills?”  
“No, sorry your Majesty. I’m Lady Mircalla, just a friend of Princess Abigail.”  
“You’re lying. I know who you are and what you are.”  
“What do you want from me?”  
“Funny you should ask that,” Regina smiled, and as violet smoke encircled them with the sound of bells and heavy bedspreads being dragged across the floor, teleported the three of them to her secret room, where Daniel and the magic mirror were hidden away. She pointed at Daniel’s carefully preserved corpse. “Raise him. Make him what you are.”  
The Countess shuddered and made a slightly disgusted noise, and then said, “What exactly do you want me to do? And be specific.”  
“Bring him back! Make him what you are, a vampire!”  
“And then what would happen? He would drink blood and prowl the night, embracing other women while you grow old and die?”  
“Then change us both, and we’ll work out the relationship details later.”  
“So you’re asking me to create two vampires?”  
“Enough delaying!” Regina ripped out the heart of the young woman with Carmilla. The girl made a horrible, choking noise, falling against the wall as Regina ordered, “Bring him back now, or I crush your girlfriend’s heart.” She held it aloft and the soft beating was audible in the stone halls.  
“I doubt King Midas will be overjoyed to discover you killed one of his daughter-in-laws.”  
“But,” Regina smiled, giving the beating heart a sickening squeeze, causing an immediate gasp and groan from the stricken brown haired princess, “She was last seen with you.”  
Carmilla said softly, “If you kill her, it’s for nothing. I cannot do what you ask.”  
“Yes, you can! So do it! I know you can! The mirror said you could!”  
“The mirror is sadly misinformed. Your friend here is dead. No magic can return him to true life. And if I give him my blood now, he will become a zombie, not a vampire. I don’t think that’s what you really want.”  
“You’re lying!” Regina turned to the mirror. “Genie! She can bring Daniel back, can’t she?”  
The mirror vibrated and thrummed with magic, “Yes, My Queen. The vampire lies.”  
“You lie!” Carmilla accused the mirror, biting her lip and wiping the blood away with her forefinger, “And stop being an instigator! You’ve done enough!”  
“Raise Daniel or she dies,” Regina decreed. “Choose now.”  
Carmilla turned as if to speak to the other woman, as Regina crushed the young princess’ heart, smiling. She expected the vampire to weep and rush towards her lover, but she didn’t. Instead she jammed a bloody finger into the queen’s mouth. As she tasted the vampire’s blood, Regina felt faint, and lay down before she fell down. Then she closed her eyes.  
“I need your help,” the genie said, sympathy and contrition in his voice. “I’m sorry about your friend…”  
“No you’re not,” Carmilla snapped, her voice cracking, “Any more than you’re sorry you stole me from my mother’s arms to give a cruel man a plaything that could not die!”  
“I granted the wishes of whoever found the lamp. I have no control over what they choose…”  
“Then grant this wish, and send me home!”  
“Alas, I cannot grant wishes any longer. But perhaps our interests align. Give the Queen but a single drop of your blood every month. It will halt her aging and make her more beautiful, as well as acting as a charm spell, bringing the Evil Queen under your, and our, control…”  
“Our? This sounds like trickery or a task, and I desire neither. If you can’t send me back home, then stay trapped in that miserable mirror forever.”  
“We can work together…”  
“If I want wretched deals, I’ll go find Rumpelstiltskin.”

 

Storybrooke, The Savior Arrives

“Hey kid. I need to pee really bad,” Emma said, “Which one of these doors leads to a bathroom?”  
Henry shushed her, “We have to go now and leave while she’s still busy!”  
“Yeah, and I really need to pee first. That’s why I came inside instead of waiting in the car.”  
“Okay, it’s down the hall and to the left. But be fast!”  
Emma hurried down the hall and chose a likely-looking door on the left that wasn’t an obvious linen closet. Quickly knocking, she opened the door and saw a darkened room, and her first instinct was to feel around for the light switch, but her eyes adjusted, and she startled to see Regina standing there in the gloom, giving an injection to a pale teenage girl who had deep, dark circles under her eyes. “Excuse me! I’m so sorry!” Emma stammered, quickly looking around at the IV equipment and piles of books on the bed, next to a laptop and a pile of bandages. Something fell on the wooden floor with a metallic clatter.  
“Miss Swan, what are you doing in here?”  
“I’m so sorry for interrupting, I was looking for the bathroom…”  
“It’s the next door over,” Regina said, putting down the needle and pressing gauze over the puncture.  
“Emma! No!” Henry shouted from the doorway. “Get out of there! Don’t touch anything! She’s a vampire, even worse than the Evil Queen!”  
“That’s a horrible thing to say, Henry!” Emma said.  
“Emma! Quick!” Henry said, grabbing her hand and pulling her out. “If her blood touches you, you’ll become one of them!”  
“Get out of my room, you little raving lunatic,” the girl said to Henry, “And stay out!”  
“I’d like a word with you alone, Miss Swan,” Regina said.  
“Of course,” Emma agreed, letting Henry pull her away. He was trying to drag her out the front door but she objected, and said she still had to use the bathroom. Alone, she composed her wild, noisy thoughts into tame, quiet motions while washing her hands. When she emerged, told Henry that she was going to wait and talk to Regina.  
“We need to go now! Before she gets out of there!”  
“No. I told your mom I’d talk to her. Who is that girl?”  
“Her name here is Cara Mills, but in the stories she’s the vampire Carmilla, and worked for the Evil Queen. Since she’s undead, she has to have all those blood bags and drugs to not turn into dust…”  
“Henry, don’t you think it’s a bit much to call your sister an evil vampire?”  
“No it isn’t! And don’t ever let her blood touch you! Especially don’t let any of it get into your mouth!”  
“Well, I normally try to observe sanitary precautions for bloodborne pathogens anyway.”  
Henry opened up the storybook to a page displaying a dark-haired vampire embracing another girl, illustrated red blood flowing down the page. “See! This is who she really is! She’s never been outside in the daylight, only at night…”  
“That’s enough,” Emma said, closing the book.  
“Miss Swan? May we speak in private?”  
Emma looked up to see Regina standing there, “Yeah, of course.”  
“Don’t let her touch you! Her hands have vampire blood on them!”  
Emma sighed as she followed Regina into her office. “I am really sorry about what he said. If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know. What’s wrong with her?”  
“My daughter Cara has a very rare blood disorder among other problems. She’s always been very sick, ever since she came into this world. Henry thinks I’m being secretive and somehow evil by keeping her in her room all day, but the truth is she’s on a variety of strong medications and is extremely photosensitive. That’s why we keep her bedroom curtains closed and the lights dimmed.”  
“Is she going to be okay?”  
“No,” Regina said softly, “It’s a terminal disease. She’s only survived this long with a lot of help.”  
“Wow, that’s awful. If there’s anything I can do to help, I will.”  
“Try to talk some sense into Henry. Cara has enough problems without a little brother accusing her of being a monster.”  
“Okay, I’ll talk to him. Kids can be mean, and he’s got some pretty crazy ideas.”  
“Thank you.”  
In the car Henry asked, “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”  
“I think you’re a lonely ten year old with an active imagination whose sister is dying and your stressed-out mom is ready to snap.”  
“She’s not dying. She’s already dead. Without lots of other people’s blood she’ll wither away into an ancient corpse.”  
“Henry,” Emma sighed.  
“It’s true! And if she gets her blood in your mouth she can try to control you! So don’t let her!”  
“Change the subject.”  
Henry paused and then said, “Can we stop and get something to eat? I don’t trust my mom’s cooking and I only eat at school.”  
“Yeah, okay, but,” Emma said, pulling over.  
“Why are we stopping at a flower shop?”  
“I’m going to send your mom and sister flowers to apologize for that rude interruption.”  
“Don’t feel sorry for them! They’re the Evil Queen Regina and Carmilla the Vampire. They want you to feel sorry for them, so they can manipulate you.”  
“If you want dinner, kid, you’re going to have to pick a different subject to talk about.”  
“Okay.”  
Upon dropping Henry off, as Regina met them at the door Emma gave her the bouquet and apologized again. To Emma’s surprise, Regina accepted her offer of help, and despite Henry’s protests, visited Cara several times, in her book-filled, tomb-like bedroom. Despite being only sixteen, she was strangely knowledgeable and mature. While in bed, she read books on a variety of subjects, from chemistry and physics to mythology and the Marvelous Land of Oz. She also had a violin and several antiquated musical instruments.  
“Do you play any of those?”  
“Only a little,” Cara answered, “Holding them up makes my arms tired.” She picked up an odd, wooden double flute and blew a brief, hauntingly beautiful melody. Then she sighed and stopped, “And I definitely don’t have the energy for that. Would you care to try?” She offered the flute to Emma.  
“I don’t even know what that is, and I’m too klutzy to do anything like that anyway, but the song you played was pretty. How do you fill up your days?”  
“Mostly I just listen to music and draw, when I’m tired of reading.” She showed Emma several portfolios of the drawings she made, including many unsettling and disturbing images of a woman being attacked by wolves. Occasionally the lady wasn’t being attacked, but was standing under a blood-red sky.  
“Wow, kid,” Emma said, looking at her bookshelves and the current drawing she was working on, “How do you go from reading about ancient history and radio waves to drawing pictures like that?”  
“The difference between the conscious and unconscious mind,” Cara answered.  
“Well, why is your subconscious worried about wolves?”  
“I haven’t figured that out yet, but it is very important.” She picked up the drawing and studied it, “Like something I need to remember.”  
Emma felt a weird sensation, and on her way out of the house, said to Regina, “Have you looked carefully at Cara’s artwork?”  
“Are you implying something?”  
“Well, Henry thinks we’re all storybook people and Cara seems obsessed with blood and some lady being torn apart by wolves. These kids have problems…”  
“Thank you Miss Swan, for your professional opinion. I’ll be certain to pass it on to Dr. Hopper. In the meantime, stay away from my children.” Then she shut the door in Emma’s face.  
“Goodnight to you, too, bitch,” Emma said, “Your kids are completely freaking insane. They couldn’t be more fu…”  
The door opened again and Regina asked, “What?”  
“Did you just shut the door and keep listening?”  
“Get off my doorstep!”

 

Enchanted Forest- Years Ago

“Go eat a prisoner or something,” Regina said.  
“They’re all too hairy and ugly. Send me to another court for a while. I feel like embracing the loveliest of princesses.”  
“Spare me the details. You’ve already killed several princesses, but not the one I want dead!”  
“Snow White recognizes me and wants to thrust flaming torches in my face. Besides, I didn’t kill several princesses, only one, and that was an accident. My fair lady friends are much more useful alive.”  
“Then shape change yourself, or cast a sleep spell on her!”  
“I’m not going anywhere near her as long as her werewolf friends are there. They nearly tore me apart last time. Besides, Snow White’s blood is too sickly sweet and cloying. It makes me gag.”  
“I don’t care what her blood tastes like! I want her heart in my hand!”  
“I’m not fond of shouting. Lower your voice.”  
“I’m the Queen, and you are the penniless countess who works for me. Now I’m telling you to get out there and go find Snow White!”  
“And I’m even less fond of people giving me orders. I told you, the forest she hides in is full of werewolves!”  
“I don’t care! If you can’t kill her than bring her here to me. Now!”  
“Perhaps I should point out that it is sips of my blood that will keep you forever young and beautiful.”  
“All magic comes with a price, and the cost of beauty is a sullen vampire who drags her feet on everything! You couldn’t be any lazier if you tried!”  
“Oh, I think I could,” Carmilla smiled.  
“Go find Snow White or I’ll lock you in a coffin.”  
“I’ll get right on it,” the vampire answered, and vanished. She reappeared in Maleficent’s castle kitchen, and watched the sorceress stir something. “Pardon the interruption. What are you making?”  
“A pleasant mixture. Something like elven wine but with a little more kick. Care to join me?”  
“Absolutely. It won’t turn me green, will it?”  
“No,” Maleficent answered, and they both burst into laughter. “I told her not to drink that much but she didn’t listen.”  
“Both of Cora’s daughters have poor listening skills.”

 

Storybrooke- Magic Returns

The town was stirring with folk all suddenly remembering who they were. Many of them, recalling the Evil Queen, decided to storm her house and kill her. Anticipating that, Regina was locking her doors and closing up the windows.  
Cara rarely awoke in the middle of the day, but the change startled her out of her sleep. She sat up in her dark bedroom, and looked at the equipment she was connected to. “I won’t be needing this anymore,” she smiled, removing the IV line. Then she rose out of bed, and playing a wonderful, celebratory overture followed by a waltz on the old laptop connected to speakers she used as a stereo, changed her nightgown for one of the dresses which had always hung in her closet but never been used. Singing along to the music, she styled her hair with ice cold hands, delighted to see that she had her beauty back. Instead of being weak and sickly, with deep dark circles under her eyes, she was her pale and lovely self. Smiling at her reflection in the mirror, she admired her teeth; incisors just a little on the long side, but very useful. They extended and injected a numbing poison when she pressed her tongue down hard on the back of one. She went down the stairs to find Regina practicing her magic.  
“I feel much better!” Cara exclaimed, and embraced Regina, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for taking care of me,” she smiled, “Mom.”  
“Let’s get that straightened out right now,” Regina said, pushing Carmilla off of her and holding her at arm’s length. “I am not your mother. That was just a cover story so don’t be stupid! The townsfolk are gathering outside. Do you have your magic back?”  
“I only have my vampiric powers, not my spells,” Carmilla answered sadly, “Magic works differently here. I suppose I’m lucky to exist.”  
“Then be quiet and stay out of the way. What are you crying about?”  
“I cannot go out in the daylight,” Carmilla said, wiping away a red tear.  
“So stand over there in the hallway with the lights off and get ready to back me up. Those peasants are coming, probably with torches and pitchforks.”  
“I can see your ability to charm the public is still in negative numbers.”  
“I just spent twenty-eight years taking care of you, just when I thought that you couldn’t have possibly been any lazier! Yet, you found a way! So quit complaining and make yourself useful. You owe me.”  
“All right then, quit your browbeating. Perhaps,” she said, listening to the angry crowd outside, “They shouldn’t even know I exist.”  
“Excellent. Now stand back and watch this.”  
Yes, Carmilla laughed silently to herself later that night as she walked the streets of the town. Wandering, she found her way to the waterfront, and to the end of a pier, where she sat down and stared into the dark water. Aside from the outsiders, everyone in town had two sets of memories, and two separate identities. Up until that afternoon, Carmilla had been Cara Mills, the sickly adolescent shut-in, always at death’s door. Now she was a vampire again, with all her long years once again upon her. In a way, being Cara had had been a delightful respite from the loneliness.  
But it hadn’t lasted, nothing ever did, but the brief experience of family warmth had touched her. Being human and feeling something had been a truly unique experience, and she cherished the memory. However, Regina wasn’t going to continue being nice, since it no longer suited her purposes, and it would all be turned against her as a weapon. For that reason, Cara’s soul had to be carefully hidden. So she removed her heart; a crystalline blue cat’s eye with an ebony black center that radiated outward, the surface solid ice. It did not beat, or feel warm at all. She squeezed it, and then bounced it off the pier like a ball. “Nice,” she laughed, “Almost indestructible, but not quite. Goodbye, Cara, I’ll come back for you, when we can be alone and remember. But that time is not tonight. Sleep well.” Then she threw the cold blue stone out into the sea, and smiled. “Now, to find some lost storybook orphans.”  
Wandering, she found the lost youth of the town. Every young pauper or maiden orphaned by fate had a tale to tell, and every night from then on, Carmilla listened, not only to what they said, but to what they didn’t say, and what their hearts were yearning for. Then, when they trusted her enough, she gave them the vampire’s kiss, and afterward made them forget. It took a long time to build up the sort of retinue she enjoyed, but to find a friend was her real goal; someone to give a taste of her blood to, halt their aging, and have a companion for a while. Evening after evening passed, and she still hadn’t found a suitable one yet. There certainly seemed to be a lot of ugly people in this town.  
There was however, one social visit she wanted to make, and it was one she had coincidentally been ordered to. She made her way to Mary Margaret’s loft, where Snow White was living with Prince Charming, Emma, and Henry. She knocked on the door, and Emma answered.  
“Don’t let her in!” Henry screamed from behind her. “She’s a vampire! You can see it now! Just look at her teeth! Don’t invite her in!”  
“And hello to you too,” Carmilla snapped at him. “But I didn’t come to waste words with you or kill Snow White. I would like to speak with Emma for a moment.”  
“Don’t trust her! Don’t invite her in!”  
“I will remain here upon the stairwell,” Carmilla promised, “And you may all watch if you wish.”  
“Uh, okay,” Emma said. “What did you want to talk about?”  
“I just wanted to thank you for visiting me when I was sick. It was nice to talk to someone. Other than the doctors and Regina, you’re the only one who ever did. That’s all.”  
“Yeah, you’re welcome. How are things going for you?”  
“Could be better,” Carmilla smiled, “Could be a lot worse, too.” She spoke for a few more minutes with Emma. “I don’t want to take up any more of your time. Enjoy your evening.”  
“Oh, uh, you too.”  
“I will,” the vampire smiled, and left down the stairwell, out into the night. Several fairy tale ladies and peasants were waiting, including a girl who used to be the Handless Maiden. With the aid of some street drugs, they were going to descend into the underworld. Their harsh chemical combinations were intriguing, and their music was new to Carmilla, as well. It was strangely discordant and repetitive, often loud, but there was the occasional song that she truly enjoyed. One of the boys had a guitar, and let her try to play it. As she strummed, she thought that it was not so very different from the gitterns and citterns of old. The tunes were different, and she let her mind wander as she played. Then she looked up, to see them all staring at her.  
“You’re a natural,” the boy said.  
“Why, thank you. I might have to get one of my own.”  
“What was that song you played?”  
“Just a bit of classical music from my childhood.”  
“Uh, do you like rock or hip hop?”  
“I will try to learn,” Carmilla smiled. She was going to have to learn to tolerate whatever the youth of the day enjoyed, whether she actually liked it or not. So she let them play their favorite songs, and after a few hours, she couldn’t stand any more of it and went home. There she picked up her double flute, and played a lilting, light melody for fairies. It cleared her mind of the strange sounds from before. She closed her eyes and visualized a fairy circle, and the tiny floating lights for dancing to. Opening her eyes, she was pleased to discover the multicolored sparkling lights were still there, drifting along to her tune. Being non-magical Cara had left her unpracticed and rusty, but as she made and heard the music, it all started coming back to her. The dancing lights were elf magic, she thought, playing until the door banged open.  
“Where have you been? Did you find anything?” Regina snapped, “You’ve been gone for days.”  
“Snow White has no idea that her fluffy black cat is me. None of those people are really very smart. Rumpelstiltskin, however is, and so I only visit Belle when he’s busy. No one else besides the town’s teen runaways has spared a thought for me. Vampires always hide in the shadows.”  
“Well keep hidden, and help me find a way to get my son back!”  
“Perhaps,” Carmilla agreed, nodding politely while wondering why ever they would want him back. If Regina would just stop her pining they could get on with things. Watching Regina pine for Henry was boring, and being sent on spying missions was an equally unwelcome duty. “But I do need to hunt.”  
“That is an unnecessary risk. Just drink from the blood bags and remain under cover.”  
“Intravenously is the only way to take that stuff. In this town the biggest blood donors are the dwarves, and their blood tastes awful, like metallic slag.”  
“I don’t care what dwarf blood tastes like. Just go over to Mary Margaret’s house, turn into a cat, and figure out a way for me to get my son back!”  
“It’s better when you don’t talk. You have a comeliness of eighteen and a charisma of six.”  
“Just get going!”  
“Absolutely, My Queen,” she smiled, and went on about her way. For the time being, by placating the Evil Queen, Carmilla had a safe enough place to sleep during the day. Resuming cat form, she traveled through the town, hiding in the trees. Finding a very cozy spot, she rested, watching. When she returned, the Evil Queen was crying in her bed, presumably for her lost son. Taking some pity on her, Carmilla sat down beside her on the bed with her flute, and played fairy music until Regina fell asleep. Then she continued to practice magic, the music bringing it all back to her; as if each song was a spell waiting to be unlocked.  
The werewolves came as a hideous surprise. The diner closed at ten, but the local youth hung around outside behind the store in the alleyway until late at night. Carmilla, calling herself Cara, would hang around with them, waiting for a chance to make out and feed. Killing wasn’t her goal, and that would have quickly decimated the population. Rather, building up a reliable herd of “friends,” was the thing to do, and as she and three other teens passed a joint around, she asked them about their stories. People love to talk about themselves, and so she was listening when the waitress opened the back door and sniffed. Carmilla’s nose twitched as well. Deep, dank and doggy, she recalled that awful scent and took off running. She had a head start, but the old woman appeared with a crossbow as the waitress transformed. She heard the bolts missing and hitting other things, and the snarl of a wolf behind her. She could hear it almost breathing down her neck as she reached the pier and dove into the water. There she remained, swimming underwater, until she was far away from the beast. Pulling herself up out of the water, she wondered why in hell nobody had bothered to tell her there were werewolves in this town. It would have been very useful information to have.  
Returning to the house, still soaking wet with seawater, she found Regina in Henry’s room, sitting on his bed holding a pillow and crying. She gave an involuntary shudder of disgust and went to take a shower, hoping that noise would stop, so they could have a discussion about werewolves. Unfortunately, Regina was still crying when Carmilla returned, dry and wearing her nightgown, all set to sleep through the day. “Why are you crying?”  
“Because I want my son back, you loveless, heartless vampire!”  
“Loveless, heartless vampire,” Carmilla mused, “I actually like that.”  
“Leave me alone!”  
“We need to talk about werewolves.”  
“I said leave me alone!” Regina threw a pillow at her.  
“As you wish.” Carmilla returned to her room, the same books, lights and bedding as before, but without the medical equipment. She went through Cara’s art portfolio, the reason for her strange obsession with wolves and death now blatantly obvious. She selected a particularly gruesome scene, and taped it to the outside of the bedroom door before playing the violin and going to sleep.  
Carmilla was awakened later with a pounding on the door. “Yes?”  
“Why did you put that horrid picture up in my house?”  
“I presume you mean the drawing of wolves tearing a woman apart? Yes, I put that up to remind you that we need to have a discussion about werewolves. Most importantly, why in the hell didn’t you tell me those things were out there?”  
“I’ve been so distracted about Henry I forgot about the stupid werewolves.”  
“Just fantastic. So, what other fairy tale monsters are lurking?”  
“Other than the werewolves and Rumpelstiltskin, none that I know of.”  
“Do we ever get back to having fun?”  
“There are more important things than music and drugs.”  
“No, there aren’t. Wait, maybe art and literature.”

Enchanted Forest

The Evil Queen reclined on her favorite couch, dreaming while awake, listening to the vampire’s fairy music, played on the harp. Tiny lights drifted around, and if she wanted to, she could make them change shape before they faded or winked out of existence, but Carmilla was singing about butterflies in a magical garden, and so that’s what they became. Minutes turned to hours, and she stared out onto the darkened terrace where the conjured butterflies were disappearing off to, and felt like she was floating herself. She smiled, enjoying a beautiful moment, made slightly sweeter by thinking about Snow White sleeping in the dirt.  
“Play something about the death of Snow White.”  
Carmilla laughed, “Very well, My Queen,” and picked up the pace of her playing. The butterflies vanished, becoming windstorms and lightning. Ominous drums pounded far away in the distance, and the sounds made word-pictures and images of dungeons and despair.  
Regina smiled, ordinary court musicians were nothing compared to someone who had magic and hundreds of years to practice. 

 

Storybrooke

Regina heard the harp as soon as she walked in the door, and followed the sound to find Carmilla playing it. “Where did this come from?”  
“How thoroughly did you check your attic?”  
“Not very,” Regina admitted, and sat down, removing her shoes.  
“That’s where I found it,” Carmilla laughed, “Along with some other items.”  
Regina paused, and closed her eyes, listening to the music, several of her old favorites that she hadn’t heard in so long she had forgotten about them. She smiled, meeting again some long lost friends. “This reminds me of the castle,” she said at last, “When you used to conjure pictures and dreams within the music, and I listened. Sometimes all night.”  
“That’s what I meant, when I asked you if we would ever go back to having fun.”  
“Yes,” Regina smiled, “And Henry is coming over to visit me.”  
Carmilla’s hands slipped, making a rough aberration of sound, “That’s not fun.”  
“What time is it?” Regina asked, the discordant noise waking her from the soothing musical spell. She looked at her phone and exclaimed, “How long did I just sit there? It’s been two hours! I’m late to pick up Henry!” She jumped up, and said, “I only came home to rest for a minute!”  
“Should’ve been longer,” Carmilla said, picking back up the tune.  
“I need to go get him,” she said, leaving.  
Henry waited for Regina, his plan set. The werewolves weren’t going to help. They’d destroy Carmilla if they found her out at night, but they weren’t about to bust down the door of the mayor’s house and attack her there. So it was up to him. He’d already researched vampiric powers, and concluded that there was a way to be a hero and rid the town of a terrible evil before it spread; by killing the first one. The only effective ways to permanently destroy a vampire were to burn her to ashes, chop off her head, or be torn apart by werewolves. He knew he wasn’t strong enough to wield an axe like that, and the werewolves had already made their position clear. It might be years before Carmilla ventured near that side of town on a full moon, and she would definitely have converted Emma with her blood by then. But fire was accessible. So he told Regina he wanted to visit, and she quickly agreed, just as he knew she would.  
Henry bided his time, waiting until the opportunity arose the next day, when Regina told him that she needed to run a quick errand, but would be right back. “That’s fine,” he told her. “I have some homework to do, anyway.” As soon as she left he moved quickly. Taking the gas can for the lawn mower from the garage, he entered Carmilla’s room. She was asleep in her bed, all the curtains drawn tight. He lit the candle first, and then set it aside on the dresser. Picking up the big, heavy gas can, he awkwardly poured it over Carmilla, and then accidentally knocked her in the head with it, waking her up.  
“Ow!” She opened her eyes to see Henry, and said, “What the hell, you little freak…” Then drawing a breath to keep talking, she smelled gas and screamed, jumping out of bed, opposite the boy. He picked up the candle and tried to reach her, but Carmilla threw a vase of flowers on him, dowsing the flame. “You tried to set me on fire!” she screamed as he turned and ran, hurrying down the stairs as quickly as he could, and heading towards the front door. Carmilla saved time by leaping over the bannister and landing in front of him, blocking the exit. “I’ve got you now, you rotten little…”  
Henry interrupted her by tipping over a side table and the glass artwork on it at the vampire, breaking all of the displayed items. She stared at it in disbelief for a moment, and then chased him, as he threw more tables and chairs over to block her way, but just as she was about to catch him, he ran around to the other side of the dining room table.  
“You’re a villain!” Henry shouted, “And I won’t let you touch me! You’re an evil vampire who kills people and drinks their blood! I’m going to kill you before you can convert Emma, and be a hero! You need to die before you make more evil minions and control us all with your blood!”  
“You’re not a hero, you’re an idiot!” she screamed, “And you’re making a mess!”  
The front door opened, and Regina walked in and saw the condition of the house, “What is going on in here? Why do I smell gas?” She entered the dining room after following the trail of destruction down the hallway, stepping over shattered glass, broken ceramic, and chipped lacquered end tables, only to see Carmilla and Henry circling around the dining room table, eyeing each other. “I leave for twenty minutes and the furniture is destroyed and the house smells of gas! What is wrong with you two?”  
“He only invited himself over here to try to set me on fire!”  
“She’s an evil vampire who needs to be destroyed!”  
“He doesn’t care about you, he only wanted to be a hero and kill a vampire…”  
“Stop! Both of you two, stop! Carmilla, go take a shower. The stench of gas is overpowering. Henry, get a broom.”  
“That’s it? He tries to destroy me and instead of punishing him you’re giving him the first chore of his life?”  
“I will deal with this. Go take a shower.”  
“I’m protecting other people, and I won’t stay in a house with a vampire in it,” Henry said.  
“How am I supposed to sleep in a house with a murderous little freak in it?”  
“We can find somewhere for you to sleep safely,” Regina told her.  
“Oh! He tries to set me on fire, and you’re throwing me out?”  
“That’s not what I meant…”  
“Fine,” Carmilla said, “Fine. You sleep in the house with the murderous little hero, and I’ll just go rent a room from Gold or something…”  
“Don’t you dare!”  
“Oh, so you’ve noticed he doesn’t actually serve you in any way?”  
“We will talk after you take a shower. Henry, who do you think you’re protecting?”  
“Emma and Snow White. They’re heroes and you’re a villain.”  
Carmilla laughed, and turned around. “Yes. I’m going to go take a shower now. Enjoy that.” Regina scowled at her as she left the dining room, and stepping over broken furniture, went back up the stairs.  
“Henry, we don’t set people on fire in their beds…”  
“You think that drinking her blood keeps you young and beautiful but it only makes you even more evil, and she controls you through it!”  
“You think what?”  
“You’re both evil, and…”  
“That’s enough! Go to your room!” She watched as he darted away, and then she looked around at the mess. Cleaning it by magic was much faster than doing it all by hand, but she still had to walk from room to room, and feelings were not so easily mended as broken furniture. She erased the overpowering stench of gasoline from Carmilla’s room, and put the gas can back in the garage, the house looking and smelling much better by dusk, when Carmilla was on her way out; with boots, coat, and backpack. “What are you doing?”  
“I’m going to find somewhere else to stay. I’m not going to risk sleeping in a place where someone might set me on fire. I’ll be back for the instruments once I find a place.”  
“You don’t get to just walk out. I had to take care of you for the past twenty-eight years. You owe me.”  
“Yeah. And I’m glad the thing you love the most is always a Henry,” Carmilla stepped past her, “Saves me a lot of grief.”  
“Don’t you dare walk away!”  
“I’m not the only one,” Carmilla smiled, and pointed at the open window in Henry’s room.  
There was the sound of an engine behind the shrubbery. She saw headlights, and then taillights. “Henry!”  
This was Emma’s fault.


	2. Mrs. Hyacinth Floggins the Holbytla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping up Appearances (BBC 1990-1995) were a hobbit living outside of Storybrooke, this is what you'd have. British humor. If you've never seen Keeping Up Appearances, do. You can giggle to yourself about it for the rest of your life.

Storybrooke  
Tea-time With Mrs. Hyacinth Floggins the Holbytla 

Emma called the boy’s parents from the station. The missing teen had been gone for three months before he’d been caught stealing batteries and LED lights from the hardware store. He also had a quantity of a strange new drug that had become popular with the town’s youth. The fairy sprinkles, as they were referred to, were powdery blue candied drops with a heavenly rose scent and a sweet, honey flavor. Eating them caused beautiful visual and audial hallucinations lasting between fifteen and twenty minutes, when it then became more like a caffeinated sugar high. “Kid,” Emma asked him, “Where’d you get this stuff?”  
He hemmed and hawed, not wanting to be the snitch that got everyone else in trouble, but eventually he told her what she wanted to know. Someone calling herself the Elvenqueen was distributing at minimal cost the fairy sprinkles, and developing other new psychedelic drugs. The unusual blue drops came from a magical farm outside of town aptly named Dopeshire Gardens, and several other missing kids were living there.  
“All right,” Emma said to Hook after the boy and his parents left. “Let’s get a warrant and go find this place. The kid wasn’t very clear on where it is.”  
“It’s easy enough to find if you want to take a long walk up a short hill,” Hook said.  
“You know where it is?”  
“I found it while hiking and went back there for the Magic Rum.”  
“What Magic Rum? And aren’t you normally a seafaring type of guy?”  
“For the Magic Rum, I’ll take a hike. It’s a combination of hot tea, magic mushrooms, and rum. Simply enchanting.”  
“Okay, if you already know where this place is, then take me there.”  
“Wait, you’re just going to get the kids, right? You’re not going to shut the place down, are you?”  
“That depends on what I find. It sounds like there are underage kids selling drugs.”  
“Not exactly.”  
“What do you mean by that?”  
“Technically, the kids are selling cookies and flowers…”  
“Just show me where this place is at.”  
“Okay,” he agreed, and took her to a spot near the town line where the pavement met a thin dirt road. “Might as well leave the car,” he said. “It narrows fast and has a lot of hairpin turns.”  
“Fine,” Emma said, and followed him to where the road narrowed into a trail, and a sole mailbox stood, morning glories growing up on it, and a notice tacked to the wooden post. The notice informed visitors that Mr. Richard Floggins the Holbytla was deceased and could no longer be reached by ordinary means. Regrettably, all of his correspondence and presents would be returned unopened. Mrs. Hyacinth Floggins the Holbytla was still receiving visitors. “What the hell?” Emma exclaimed while Hook laughed.  
“Consider it fair warning,” the pirate laughed.  
“Okay, let’s just get this over with,” Emma said, following him along the trail, which went up a small hill, doubling back on itself frequently so as to make the walk as long as possible, and to view each and every flower lining the trail at least three times. “This is silly,” Emma said.  
“I think you’re supposed to enjoy it. The whole point of the walk is to enjoy the plantings and the inspirational plaques. Oh, and little wooden gnomes.”  
“They’re not exactly my style,” Emma said, gazing at a small statue of a laughing yard gnome, tendrils of some vine appearing to climb into his pants and tickle his butt.  
“Try to keep an open mind,” Hook said, looking up into the trees at the wide variety of colorful birds singing in the trees. “It’s really a lovely place,” he observed as a little green and red-throated hummingbird flew close, making a sound like the world’s largest bumblebee.  
“We’re looking for some missing kids,” Emma reminded him, “Not taking a nature hike.”  
“We can do both, and stay for tea and crumpets.”  
“No thanks.”  
“Trust me, it’s not an option.”  
“Come on,” Emma said, walking up the trail, as the hummingbird paused, cocked it’s head at her, buzzed around a bit as though sniffing her for nectar, and then flew away. She continued up the flowery path, the plantings and plaques becoming more ornate and detailed the closer they came to a long, low fence, and the trail ended at a quaint garden gate.  
“This is it,” he said, leaning over and unlocking the simple latch. “Hello!” he called. “Hello?” Emma followed him through the gate and into an expansive cottage garden. Every space along the cobblestone path was filled with flowers and plants, many climbing overhead on trellises and cascading back down amidst a border of violets. Roses, fuschias, wisteria, hollyhocks, angelica and so many more grew together, and the smell was fresh and heavenly, butterflies fluttering around. “Pretty, isn’t it?” Hook said, holding a fragrant hanging blossom in his hand and sniffing it, “And heavenly smelling.”  
Emma was about to respond when she was interrupted. “Captain Killian Jones! Oh, and me in dirty garden gloves! How nice to have you drop by again!” She looked around and then down, at an older, very short, brownish-reddish haired woman with huge hairy feet who was working in the garden. Emma startled when she realized that she was looking at a Halfling.  
“Good day to you, too,” he said.  
“It’s always delightful to have a sea captain over, and you’ve brought a guest! Come on, you’re just in time for tea, and we can be introduced properly…”  
“Excuse me,” Emma said, “We really don’t have time for tea, Mrs. Floggins…”  
“Flo-yins,” the small woman corrected. “It’s pronounced Flo-yins.”  
Emma looked at the search warrant and the property address was clearly owned by a Mr. and Mrs. Floggins. “Okay. We’re looking for someone calling herself the Elvenqueen, and some missing children. Do you know anything about that?”  
“Why yes, just come along. This calls for getting out the Royal Doulton with the hand painted periwinkles…”  
Emma followed the tiny woman while she talked and Hook occasionally managed a word in edgewise. At least they were going towards the house, Emma thought, which was what she had asked for in the first place, before Hook agreed to stay for tea and biscuits. Maybe, she thought, I’ll just search the house and he can serve as a distraction to keep her busy.   
“Yes, I’d love honey in my tea…”  
“Sit down, make yourself at home, and I’ve still got some of the dowager duchess’ homemade gooseberry wine…”  
Emma leaned over to fit her way through the small, round, front doorway, and didn’t miss the fact that the little wooden door was reinforced with metal, and the circular windows had heavy shutters that could be closed to withstand cannon fire. This earth house was the perfect place to wait out a siege, and probably had tunnels beneath the ground that surfaced who knew where. Emma took a quick look around inside, and although thinking tactically, was also impressed by the old-fashioned coziness and warmth, with the wonderful smells of something delicious cooking for dinner. Hook was already sitting down at the low table, and admiring the thick, carved stanchions holding up the roof, and the nearly nautical heavy wooden hull keeping the earth at bay. Emma nodded politely as Hook introduced her, and Mrs. Floggins started rushing around, setting the table with little china dishes and embroidered napkins.   
“Oh, how wonderful it is that the sea captain dropped by for a visit and brought his lady friend! You really should attend one of my candlelight suppers again soon, and bring your fiancée. So, Captain Jones, should we be preparing for a summer or winter reception?”  
“Thank you, but nothing’s settled yet.”  
“Do keep me updated. You know how I like to preplan events. Even a candlelight supper with friends requires forethought. Oh, perhaps a riverside gala with riparian entertainments? I know how much you do like water…”  
Wait a minute, Emma thought, I didn’t sign up for that, and then put the thought out of her head. That was a distraction, the point of being here was to find the Elvenqueen and the missing kids, not drink tea and eat warm, buttery biscuits with frosting, as Hook was currently doing. Mrs. Floggins still hadn’t stopped talking, and so Emma had to interrupt her. “Excuse me, Mrs. Floggins…”  
“It’s pronounced Flo-yins.”  
“Yes, but I’m here to talk to the Elvenqueen. Is she here?”  
“Oh, yes! Royalty, don’t you know? It’s an honor to have such an illustrious personage in my home! She rents one of the back bedrooms. Very nice girl, but keeps odd hours and quite the deep sleeper…”  
“Can I just talk to her now?”  
“Well, we usually give her the respect due someone of her social position. It’s not proper to intrude upon royalty…”  
“I have a search warrant, Mrs. Floggins…”  
“Flo-yins. It’s pronounced Flo-yins.”  
“Yes. Which bedroom belongs to the Elvenqueen?”  
“Off to the left there. Mind the rug and the floor, I just had it polished!”  
“Yes, Ma’am,” Emma agreed, moving towards the back of the earth house while carefully avoiding Mrs. Floggins rug, and lifting a heavy, beaded curtain that covered the entrance to a darkened room. The only light was fluorescent blue and faint, from a computer screen. Emma took out her flashlight and looked around, to see phones, laptops, books, and chemistry equipment covering small, low tables, and a wooden bed. Under a living canopy of white roses, three women were asleep. Emma quickly photographed the evidence, and then shone the light on the sleepers. She immediately recognized the two missing girls from their photos, and Carmilla, who was farthest from the edge, snuggled with one of the girls and securely backed up by the earth wall. The canopy of roses and gauzy curtains gave her even more protection; and anyone trying to get to her had to leap over the other two first. “I might have known,” Emma muttered. She reached forward to wake the nearest girl when the tendrils of rosebush whipped out from the overhead and seized her arms, the thorns embedding themselves and draining blood. “Hey!” Emma shouted, trying to pull away. The noise awakened the sleepers, and as Carmilla sat up, her carnivorous roses let go of Emma. Recoiling, the white roses turned red with blood.  
“What do you want?” Carmilla asked, veils falling around her shoulders, prepared to hide from the light.  
“Time to go home, all of you,” Emma said. “Get out of bed. Your parents are worried.”  
“I don’t want to leave,” Emily protested, holding on to Carmilla as the other girl reluctantly stood up and prepared to go. “I love her.”  
“I’m sure you do,” Emma agreed, “So let’s make this easy and all leave at the same time.”  
“Do as she says,” Carmilla told her associates, “We’ll find each other later. Be certain to thank Mrs. Floggins on the way out.”  
“Your parents are waiting.”   
Reluctantly, Emily got up as Carmilla sat on the edge of the bed, and picked two of the blood red roses. She tucked one behind her ear, and started to suck on the stem of the other one, pausing to smile seductively at Emma, who was not amused. “Come on, we’re going for a walk,” Emma said, and put a blanket over the vampire’s head. She led the girls out of the room, and found Hook still at the table with Mrs. Floggins. “Hook! Get up and go collect the evidence!”  
“All right,” he agreed happily.  
“To analyze, not to use!”  
“That’s hardly any fun, now is it?”  
“Come on, these kids parents are waiting, wondering what happened to them!”  
“Oh, all right,” he agreed.   
“Oh dear,” Mrs. Floggins exclaimed, “Oh your Majesty, I apologize for the daylight intrusion! So unbecoming to a person of your illustrious lineage…” She was interrupted by Hook, who bumped the table with his knee and spilled the tea.  
“So sorry,” he said, “I’m not usually this clumsy. It only happens here at your house.”  
“Oh never mind, I’ll clean it up.”  
“Just go collect the evidence,” Emma told him. Then she turned to the halfing woman, “Mrs. Floggins…”  
“Flo-yins. It’s pronounced Flo-yins.”  
“Yes, Mrs. Flo-yins, did you know these children were runaways?”  
“Hmm… To think, my lodgers, runaways! Which child?”  
“All of them, Mrs. Flo-yins.”  
“Goodness! Hidden royalty! Forgotten lineages and coupes! How dramatic!”  
“Did you know these children’s parents were looking for them?”  
“Other than the Elvenqueen, who rented the room, and always paid on time, I’ll have you know, they said they were just visiting. I suppose that would explain why they stayed so long…”  
“Are you aware that they were manufacturing drugs?”  
“Oh, I don’t hold with foreign food…”  
“It’s completely useless,” Hook laughed, coming out of the back bedroom with a box of contraband. “You’ll be aggravated and she’ll be just warming up. The little folk like to outwit dragons, you’re not going to get anywhere with this, love.”  
“All right then, let’s take the evidence and go.”  
Emma and Hook led the girls down the winding trail and to the car, the vampire wearing several layers of heavy blankets to keep the sun off of her. Then Emma drove them to the hospital, where she called their parents, and told them that their daughters had been exposed to drugs and vampire blood. Emily and Ashley’s parents arrived quickly, relieved to have their children back. Ashley, who had only been missing for a few days, went home. Emily, who had been missing for six months, refused, wanting to stay with her girlfriend, until Carmilla assured her that they would find each other later, and Emily reluctantly left with her parents. Emma watched, supervising Carmilla and waiting for the toxicology reports to come back. She wouldn’t have admitted it, but busting Regina’s daughter for drugs was going to give her a lot of satisfaction. To her surprise, the fairy sprinkles were only concentrated flower essences, sweeteners, and some caffeine.   
“How is that possible?” Emma wondered.  
Carmilla looked over at her, “Nature is more powerful than you guess.”  
“I’m noticing that.”  
“Looks like reading all those chemistry books was a good investment of time,” Carmilla smiled.   
“Maybe. But you’re still a vampire. What did you do to those kids?”  
“Nothing. Emily is my girlfriend, the others were just lost souls.”  
“Why don’t I believe that?”  
“Because you don’t want to. I’m not evil, Miss Swan. I’m neutral. The world is a balance of good and evil, law and chaos. I appreciate that, and the balance is the most important thing.”  
“I think I just figured out what you did to those kids.”  
“May I leave?”  
“I can’t release you because you’re a minor. In the system, Regina is still your legal guardian. I need her signature.”  
“Then here I wait.”  
Emma called Regina, informing her that her daughter was the architect of the teen drug craze in Storybrooke. She smiled as she said, “You need to pick her up soon or she will be remanded into the foster care system.” Emma smiled and then hung up, knowing how much she wouldn’t appreciate that.  
Quickly enough, an angry Regina appeared, “What is going on here?”  
“Do you know what your child has been doing?”  
“Very funny.”  
“By taking advantage of an elderly widow, your daughter commandeered her home and several vulnerable teens in order to create a drug lab.”  
“Have any charges been filed?”  
“No.”  
“Then we will be going,” Regina said, and grabbing Carmilla by the wrist, pulled her along.   
“And the happy, tearful family was reunited,” Emma observed.  
Once in the car, Regina turned to Carmilla. “What did you do?”  
“A research experiment. This was pure chemistry. When I add magic, the effects will be compounded.”  
Regina smiled as she started the car and they drove away from the hospital. “I’m in awe of your masterful design.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Can you replicate it?”  
“A thousand times over. Now we’re just varying flavors.”  
“I knew giving you those books on chemistry was a wise investment. I think I have some research assignments for you.”  
“Where are we going?”  
“Home.”  
“If I move back in, I have to be able to sleep, Henry-free.”  
“Guard your lair however you wish, as long as it isn’t lethal.”  
“How do you feel about vampire roses? They’ll keep away Miss Swan, too.”  
“Excellent!” Regina smiled, as they drove through the darkness, music playing softly, the engine quiet. So many scenarios of victory played through her head that it was dizzying to even imagine counting them all. The town water supply, she thought; the perfect distribution vector. Snow White, Prince Charming, Emma, and even that old schemer Rumpelstiltskin would finally fall under her control before they even knew what was happening. Control, she smiled.  
“Is it acceptable if my girlfriend comes over?”  
“What? Yes, yes.” Then she paused and her mind reentered the conversation, “You mean only one?”  
“Yes, only one. There’s casual, and then there’s special. There won’t be a horde in the house. Just one.”  
“Be discrete. Don’t let Henry see what you’re doing.”  
“Absolutely,” Carmilla agreed, “And I expect the same courtesy.”   
Vampire roses were indeed an elegant solution, as Henry quickly learned what the wicked, sharp-thorned bushes could do and stayed far away from them. They grew up the side of the house and all around her windows, and also alongside her bedroom door in pots, the branches forming a lovely, graceful archway over the door. He warned Emma to stay far away from them, but she already knew what those things did. So Carmilla slept undisturbed, on the occasions when she stayed at Regina’s house, or was ordered to play or sing for the Queen, but otherwise, Carmilla became Emily’s cat. Her parents could hardly object to their daughter adopting a pet after her traumatic experience, and the fluffy black cat stayed in Emily’s room, sleeping the days away while Emily was at school. In the quiet of the night, she resumed human form.  
“I told you we’d find each other later,” Carmilla said softly, stretching out in a feline way. She lay relaxed and smiling playfully at her lover.   
“But you spend so much time as a cat!”  
“For now, perhaps. But not forever. Things change.”  
And things did change, when one night Regina told Carmilla that she had to travel to Neverland to save Henry. Carmilla nodded, “Oh yes. Yes, that you must do.” The moment the mistress of the castle left, Carmilla called Emily. “We have the place to ourselves!” 

During the daylight, while Emily was at school, Carmilla slept in her room, until one day the joyous noises drifted up the hallway. But all it told her was that Regina had returned victorious, successful in her quest. So there was a still a Henry, and the party was over.   
“We’re home,” Regina said, opening Carmilla’s bedroom door, as she and Henry peeked into the darkness. The vampire and her lover had been asleep.   
“Yes,” Carmilla agreed, Emily awakening beside her, “But if you wait until evening when I wake up to tell me all about it, I’ll write a ballad in your honor.”  
“Deal,” Regina smiled.  
Carmilla’s nose twitched, and she said, “What’s that terrible odor?”  
“What terrible odor?”  
Emily nudged Carmilla, “Hey, they probably didn’t have showers in Neverland! Give her a break!”  
“No, this isn’t sweat, I’m smelling something truly hideous and evil.”  
“What are you talking about?” Regina asked.  
“Evil people’s souls stink,” Carmilla said, “You normally smell like rotten apples, which doesn’t bother me, but that! Ugh!” She pointed at Henry, “He smells like the outhouse at a pig farm!”  
“Carmilla!”  
Pan in Henry’s body gazed at her, steady and cold, “That from a blood-drinking leech! You fancy yourself an immortal, turning into a cat and scavenging scraps from ladies’ laps like a mangy stray? Cringing from the light, lurking in the shadows, you’re a pathetic wraith!”  
Emily put her arm around her lover as if to shield her from harsh words, and Carmilla said, “What did you do in Neverland? Where they never tell, and you never get in trouble? Kill a wounded small child? Several, for fun? Eat a helpless soul because it couldn’t get away? Because you know they’ll never tell? Tie a girl up and…”  
“Carmilla!” Regina interrupted.  
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Henry answered, staring at her, waiting for her to back down, like girls always did.  
His challenge was broken by Regina, who closed the door. Then she looked back at Henry, and hugged him. “What would you like to do?”  
“I’m sort of tired, I think I’d like to rest for a while,” he said, and she readily agreed.   
He smiled, adults never wanted to see the obvious.


	3. A Botanical and Zoological Wonderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Gold gets Regina, Carmilla, and Henry out of his hair for a while by telling them they are going to a botanical and zoological wonderland for a week, to get away from the stresses of home and have some family bonding time.

The Enchanted Forest

“Where are we?” Emily asked, looking at Carmilla and herself. “How did we get here? We went to sleep in your room, and now this.” Getting out of an immense, dark wooden bed, she looked around at the interior of the castle. Then she looked down at herself, and instead of pink Hello Kitty pajamas, she was gowned in velvet, and her lover was ethereal in magical black and scarlet spider webbing that flowed around her.  
Carmilla looked around, perplexed. She saw dark walls, a silver harp, shelves full of books, and heavy draperies blocking out the sunlight. “This looks like my suite in the castle, back in the Enchanted Forest. But the only reason I would be here is if the curse reversed itself for some reason.” She smiled at Emily and said, “It’s just a failsafe I slipped into the original curse while she was draining my blood. I wonder what happened?”  
“I have no idea. Maybe we should look around?”  
“That sounds like the thing to do,” Carmilla said, and stood up, wrapping a shawl around her, so if she should encounter sunlight, there would be something to throw over her face. Not worried about possible daylight, Emily peeked through the curtains.  
“It’s midafternoon,” she said.  
“Then for the time being, we will stay well inside the walls.” Even without venturing outside, there were plenty of areas to explore, and they all appeared empty of people. “It seems we have the castle to ourselves.”  
“What shall we do first?”  
“Find a way to make music! Then we’ll dance, and… I know! Let’s swing from those ropes that hold the lights up!”  
“Won’t they fall?”  
“No, I’ll tie it off at the top so they can’t slip. Then we’ll pull the ropes up to the top of the stairway, and swoop down. It’ll be lots of fun, and I’ve always wanted to!”  
“Okay,” Emily agreed, following Carmilla to the landing of a grand staircase. “How about you go first?” She hesitated, and watched Carmilla climb up the ropes and secure them. Then she jumped off, and with an excited shriek, swung back and forth.  
“That looks like fun,” Emily observed.  
“I told you!”  
“Can I try?”  
“What’s going on here?”  
“Nothing,” Carmilla said, dropping off the rope onto the stair landing. Then she took Emily’s hand and confided, “Once again, it looks like the party’s over.”  
Regina stared at her, “You can kiss your girlfriend later. We have work to do.”  
“That’s fine,” Carmilla agreed, and then noticed a man following Regina. “Who’s that scruffy fellow?”  
“He insisted upon coming with me, and somehow avoided setting off the traps, which would have been his sole use, so far as I can tell.”  
“My name is Robin Hood.”  
“The famous thief?” Emily asked.  
“I’ve reformed,” Robin said.  
Carmilla eyed him, and he stared back at her, “Send him away. He has an ill-favored look, like he’s planning to steal something.”  
Regina turned and glanced back at the peasant archer, “You heard her. Take yourself away. We have magic to accomplish and don’t need any freight to haul along.”  
“With all due respect, Your Majesty,” Robin said, “I shouldn’t leave you here alone with a vampire…”  
“That vampire has been my servant for decades,” Regina said, “So go guard the walls or something.”  
“But…”  
“You are dismissed, archer!”  
“Yes, Your Majesty.” Robin turned and walked out, although he had no intention of staying away.

Return to Storybrooke

“You’re not considering dating that smarmy, scruffy-looking thief, are you?” Carmilla asked.  
“But he has the lion tattoo a fairy once said the man I was destined to be with had…”  
“A tattoo? You can’t be serious! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Even Rumpelstiltskin will admit that fairies are evil…”  
“While imps and vampires aren’t? That’s the pot calling the kettle black!”  
“The guy is a thief! He robs from the rich and gives to the poor, which you are not. Doesn’t it seem more likely that he’s here to steal something? Probably lots of stuff!”  
“But I’m in love!”  
“No, you’re not. Doesn’t it seem odd that you thought he was an idiot in the Enchanted Forest and then after Zelena had your heart for a while, you fell in love with someone completely unsuitable? Doesn’t that seem even a little strange?”  
“What seems strange is taking drugs and drinking blood, that’s what sounds strange.”  
“I’m not the one dating a loser; a married loser! Shouldn’t he be with his wife?”  
“Excuse me, but your girlfriend does even less than you do, which is truly amazing, considering you smoke pot and sleep all day, doing who knows what else while drinking blood all night long, and play strange music.”  
“You don’t want to see the truth. I think you’re under a love spell.”  
“I think you’re jealous, because I found true love and you’re just doing the same old thing you’ve always done; seduce girl after girl with lies and songs. When one dies or wears out, you just find another, like they’re new instruments to play with for a while before you become bored of that one, too.”  
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. But to change the subject, Henry is still going through my things…”  
“Can’t the two of you just get along?”  
“Not until he gives up his stupid dichotomy of good and evil, with heroes and villains and nothing in between. I know kids can be black and white thinkers, but crap!”  
“You may not care if you’re seen as a villain, but I don’t want to be! I want a happy ending.”  
“Did you notice that it’s in the villain’s interests to keep the story going, and not let it end? So what if the heroes get a happy ending, if they’re miserable all the damn way through until then? The villains win as long as the story goes on. And just so you know, nothing ever ends.”  
“You sound like Gold.”  
“Should I be flattered?”  
“No.” Then Regina turned and heard a knock at the door. “That’s Robin. Either vanish or behave yourself.”  
“I’m going to sit here at the piano and play lovely background music.”  
“Hmmm…” Regina looked askance at her, “Somehow I doubt that’s all you’re going to be doing.” She paused, hearing another knock on the door, and watched Carmilla begin to play, softly and seeming to ignore everything else, when Robin walked in with his young son.  
“I’m sorry, but I didn’t think you could hear us knocking,” Robin said, putting his arms around Regina and pulling her close for a deep kiss.  
“I was just finishing an earlier conversation,” Regina answered vaguely, looking over at Carmilla, who had slowed her playing, and was sniffing the air like a kid in a bakery.  
“I thought maybe we could all go out together,” Robin said.  
“What? You, me, and Marion?”  
“Not like that, more like…” Robin was interrupted as his son reached for a pretty figurine. It was heavier than the little boy had thought, and slipped through his hands, shattering on the floor. When he tried to pick up a piece, he cut his hand. “I’m sorry,” Robin started, and as he moved towards the child, he saw the girl who had been playing at the piano appear and take the boy’s hand.  
“I can kiss it and make it all better,” she said sweetly, and kneeling beside him, proceeded to kiss his hand. Then she licked the wound, and it closed up.  
“Are you a vampire?” the boy asked.  
“Oh yes,” Carmilla answered, “The angel kind, that heals all wounds and makes the pain go away.”  
The boy looked at his hand, and seemed impressed. “The owie’s all gone, and doesn’t hurt any more,” he said.  
His father, however, was not impressed, and pulled his son away, “That’s not safe,” Robin explained.  
Carmilla looked at him with distaste, and Regina pulled her to her feet, “Control yourself!”  
“Why is there a vampire in your house?” Robin asked, pulling his son out of the creature’s possible reach, and backing up.  
“She’s been my servant for years,” Regina explained, “And you’ve met before. But,” she added to Carmilla, “She won’t be in the house for much longer if she does anything like that again! What do you think you’re doing?”  
“Just helping,” Carmilla said.  
“We will talk later,” Regina promised her. “I’m sorry about that,” she said to Robin, “Perhaps it is best if you don’t come to my house.”  
“How can you sleep with a monster like that around?” Robin asked.  
“It’s normally never a problem,” Regina answered, “Unless you count the constant bickering between her and Henry.”  
“Then send that creature away!” Robin said.  
“But my owie went all gone with a kiss,” the little boy pointed out, “I like her.”  
“What?” Robin exclaimed, “No! Roland, you can never go near that creature again! It only looks pretty, and like a girl, but it’s really a monster that hunts children for their blood! Promise me you’ll stay away from it, and tell me immediately if you ever see it again.”  
“Okay,” he said.  
“I’m no monster,” Carmilla said softly, “But you’re a thief and a liar.”  
“Hold your tongue, Deathangel,” Robin said, putting himself between the vampire and the child, “An arrow makes a fine stake.”  
“A thief and a liar, who cheats on his wife.”  
Robin moved towards her, and she vanished. “That vile monster!” he exclaimed.  
Regina felt offended and annoyed, but before she could say anything, her phone buzzed, and when she checked it, she saw that Henry had cancelled for the evening. Of course, she thought bitterly, he was spending the evening with Emma and the Charmings. 

Regina kept her promise to Carmilla as soon as she returned home later that evening. She found her once again at the piano, with her eyes closed in blissful contemplation as she played a haunting melody from memory, occasionally singing along in Elvish. Regina interrupted her reverie by putting her coat and purse down on the piano, and then said, “We need to talk.”  
Carmilla opened her eyes and smiled, but continued playing. “Oh yes,” she said, “I can’t stop thinking about it. I haven’t tasted honeyblood in over a century.”  
“What?”  
“The sweetest, lightest type of human blood that ever existed,” she sang.  
“Oh no,” Regina told her, “No, no, no! You’re going to leave Robin’s son alone. Is that clear?”  
“I can’t,” Carmilla sang softly, “Imagine warm sweetness like blueberry muffins and a scent that carries from the bakery for miles down the road.”  
“You’re just going to have to control yourself.”  
“Please, please let me enjoy that fine vessel of honeyblood!”  
“I can’t let you do that.”  
“Why not? You’ve killed hundreds. Let me savor just one.”  
“Carmilla, no.”  
She stopped playing, and got down on her knees, “Please? Please, I beg you, my Queen, please let me have this! Just this one, this once, and I’ll never complain about anything again!”  
“I must say I’m enjoying this, but I can’t let you do that.”  
“Please? I’ll do anything you ask.”  
“No, and I want you to promise me that you won’t go near that child.”  
“You’ll starve me to impress your mangy, loser boyfriend,” Carmilla grumbled.  
“You’re not helping yourself with that,” Regina said, “And you’re not starving, you have plenty of loser friends yourself that make fine vessels for your purposes.”  
“Imagine if all you were ever allowed to eat was oatmeal,” Carmilla pleaded, “And then someone dangled a delicious, buttery croissant in front of you.”  
“That does sound like a grim existence,” Regina agreed.  
“Then please let me at least nibble!”  
“Hmmm…” Regina said, pretending to think about it. “Maybe if you…”  
“Anything, my Queen.”  
“Promise that you’ll never make another disparaging comment about Robin Hood, ever, ever, ever again.”  
“I promise.”  
“Say it in full, and swear it.”  
“I swear, my Queen, that I shall never again disparage Robin Hood.”  
“Good. Now promise me that you’ll never fight with Henry again.”  
“I swear, my Queen, never to fight with Henry.”  
“Hmmm…” Regina thought aloud, “Now, kiss both of my shoes.”  
Carmilla flipped her hair out of the way, and leaned forward, delicately but firmly, kissing the top of each shoe. Then, she kissed the top of her foot, and licked her way to the anklebone.  
“You enjoyed that,” Regina said, putting her hands on her hips, and staring down, “Entirely too much.”  
“Yes, my Queen,” Carmilla smiled up at her. “What else do you wish of me?”  
“I’d spank you, but you’d only enjoy it,” Regina said, wondering what else she could do to make this moment more fun before ultimately telling Carmilla no.  
“Ahem!”  
They both startled to see Emma Swan standing there.  
“Excuse me, but I’m just here to get Henry’s school bag. He’s upstairs,” she added awkwardly, “Getting an extra pair of pants.”  
“How long were you standing there?” Regina demanded.  
“I just got here,” Emma said, grabbing the bag from a chair, “Although any time would be too long,” she mumbled as she darted out of the room, “Wow, they’re awful damn strange!”  
Regina looked down at Carmilla, and gave her a small kick. “Get up!”  
Standing up, she asked, “Can I go enjoy my treat now?”  
“No!”  
“But you said…”  
“I said maybe, and now I’m saying no!”  
“That’s not fair!”  
“This silly game is over,” Regina told her, and then went to try to catch Henry before he left. Of course, he was standoffish and looked at her like a villain. When she tried to give him a hug, he seemed to melt away into ice water.  
“Sorry,” Emma mumbled, and slipped out the door after him. Going back into the music room, she found the house was empty.

Feeling more than entitled, Carmilla made her way to the vagabond camp on the edge of town. It wasn’t difficult, all she had to do was follow the heavenly scent of honeyblood, and it led her right to Robin Hood’s encampment. Stealing the child would have been an easy matter, but for an extraordinary discovery. Marion was not Marion at all, but the witch Zelena, bored out of her mind. Carmilla took cat form, and strode into the camp. Unfortunately, Robin had been alerted by Regina that she might appear in such a shape, and so sounded the alarm. But Marion picked up the black cat, and prevented the archers from shooting.  
“Don’t shoot a kitty cat!” she said.  
“No! Marion, it’s a trick!” Robin shouted. “It’s a Deathbringer, one of the restless undead, in disguise. Quick, throw it down!”  
“I’m going to pet it anyway,” she answered, and petting the purring kitty, took her to the edge of the camp and let her go in the bushes. “Come back later,” she whispered, and the cat blinked her green eyes.

“We were meant to be together,” Robin said, “You’re my soul mate. And it’s complicated, but it’s true love.”  
“You need to be with your wife and son,” Regina told him.  
“But I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re the one I want.”  
“So stop thinking about me. Think about something else.”  
“I can’t,” he said, kissing her and pushing up her dress, “We were meant to be together. Let’s make the most of this chance.”  
“Robin!” she said, “This is the men’s room at Granny’s! No!”  
“It’s good enough,” he said, trying to kiss her again.  
“Your wife and son are sitting out there, and so is my son! And half the rest of the town,” she added.  
“So poof us somewhere else,” he said, his hand slipping into her panties.  
“Aren’t you worried your son might be eaten by my vampire servant?”  
“Not at the moment, he’s at a werewolf diner.”  
She backed up, just as David walked in. “Oh, hey, excuse me,” he said, “But I uh…”  
“Really need to pee, yes, I know how you Charmings are,” Regina said, and darted out, only to run into Henry.  
“Is the women’s room stopped up again?” he asked.  
“Oh, uh, yes,” she answered, and then sighed, walking back to the booth and sitting down. Waiting for Henry, she said aloud, “I need a vacation. Anywhere but this tiny town.”  
“I can help you with that,” Mr. Gold smiled.  
“Rumple, don’t listen in on other people’s conversations!” Belle said.  
“Wait, dear,” he said to her, “I’m about to do something completely non-evil, even good.” Then he turned to Regina, “Your kids hate each other, step-in-laws are driving you nuts, your lover is married to someone else and you don’t know what to do. What you need is to get out of town for a nice relaxing week-long family bonding vacation. Just you and the kids, away from here, enjoying breathtaking scenery in a botanical and zoological wonderland, without any other members of the Charming family interrupting. Everyone has fun, comes home with a different perspective, and then you can see your life in a whole new way.”  
“This sounds too good to be true,” Regina looked at him skeptically. “All magic comes with a price. What’s the cost of this?”  
“Something you’ve never even considered. I’d like a week free from the three of you.”  
“What?” Regina exclaimed, watching Marion and Roland get up from their booth and head towards the restrooms, glad that she had opted out of that afternoon delight. She looked over her shoulder to see Henry walk out of the men’s room, and to her chagrin, he checked the women’s.  
“Am I eating dinner with my wife in peace?”  
“That’s your own fault,” she snapped, looking over her shoulder again and wondering what in the hell Henry was doing leaning into the women’s bathroom. He was arguing with someone.  
“No, it’s not.”  
“Gold,” she began, as pandemonium erupted. Ruby twitched her nose as Carmilla darted out of the women’s room and the desperate vampire snatched Roland and poofed away. Marion screamed as the waitress, in wolf form, scrambled through the diner and out the back, hoping to catch the vampire. Regina sighed, as half the patrons panicked and the other half looked at her.  
“You were saying?”  
“Okay, Gold, you’ve made your point. When does this vacation start?”  
“As soon as you can collect those two contentious juvenile delinquents of yours and join me at my shop.”  
“Henry is not a juvenile delinquent!” she snapped as Henry and David ran out of the shop after the werewolf, shouting. Marion continued her screaming, and Regina teleported away, reappearing in her own home. “Henry is not a delinquent,” she repeated, “At least he wasn’t until his jailbird mother came to town.” She packed her own bag, clothes and personal items for a week, and then waited for the others to come home. They didn’t, so she called them both and ordered them to come home right now. Forty minutes later, both had appeared; Henry through the front door, hiding something under his jacket, and Carmilla appearing on the upper floor with a sack of something slung over her shoulder.  
“Oh no,” Regina told them. “Leave the storybook in your room, Henry. Carmilla, whatever is in that bag, it had better not be Robin Hood’s son.”  
Henry groaned and pulled the book out from under his jacket as Carmilla said, “It’s a bag of apples. Yes, lovely apples, because I’m going to make something nice for you.”  
Regina took the bag from her and looked inside to see Roland looking up at her. “You spoiled the game,” he said.  
“I sure did,” she said, and put the bag down, pulling him out. “We are going on a family vacation, the three of us,” she informed them. “Pack for a week in a botanical garden resort. You have half an hour. Now go.”  
“Can I come?” Roland asked.  
“Sorry, you’re going home,” Regina answered, and pulled out her phone, calling Robin while Henry and Carmilla grumbled.  
“You promised,” Carmilla said, “You promised me that if I swore those things I could have my treat.”  
“A botanical resort? We have to look at plants?” Henry sighed.  
“Don’t argue!” she told them. “Both of you have been busy being both disobedient and devious, so go pack your bags!” They went into their bedrooms, doors shutting behind them. Robin tried to talk her out of leaving, so she called Emma, and told her that not only was there a lost child for her to pick up and take home, but that she was taking her son on a vacation, and they would be back in a week.  
Emma appeared on the doorstep before either Henry or Carmilla reappeared from their rooms. “Sheriff Swan,” Regina said, “Please take this child home.”  
“How did he get here?”  
Regina sighed but Roland said, “I’m going to Candy Land with Queen Frostine.”  
“Like that,” Regina said.  
“Oh, okay. So, where are you guys going on your vacation? And how?”  
“Gold has a spell.”  
“Are you sure that’s safe?”  
“I don’t want to argue with you right now, I really don’t,” Regina said. “I have had enough of this town and the ugly, stupid people in it! I don’t want to…”  
“Okay, okay,” Emma agreed, “I get it. But you said it was Gold’s spell, so maybe it would be good to have someone else on this side of the line pulling for you just in case.”  
“Fine,” Regina agreed. “Just take Roland home.”  
“Sure,” Emma said, “But be careful. How long are you supposed to be gone for? And where?”  
“To a botanical resort for a week, and I can take care of myself and my son, Miss Swan. Thanks for asking.”  
“Alright,” Emma agreed, as she was shoved out the front door. “I’m just trying to help.”  
Regina slammed the front door and went upstairs. She opened Henry’s door. “Are you ready?”  
“Yeah, I guess so,” he mumbled.  
“Good, get your bag and go downstairs.” Then she opened Carmilla’s door. The vampire was lying on her bed, listening to something through earphones. “Are you ready?”  
“I really don’t want to go. Emily and I have plans…”  
Regina pulled the earphones out, and said, “You are a whisper away from being sealed in a coffin for the next decade! Now get up, shut up, and pack up!”  
Henry peeked into the room while Regina supervised Carmilla, and then, bags packed, she seized both of them by the wrists, and teleported them to Mr. Gold’s shop. He was sitting behind the counter, and Belle was sorting some vintage dresses by size and color. “Good evening,” he smiled.  
“We’re ready,” Regina said, still gripping the disgruntled two with her by the wrists.  
“Where are we going?” Carmilla asked, despite having Regina’s nails digging into her flesh. “Ouch!”  
“To a truly unique place,” Mr. Gold said, “A magical botanical and zoological wonderland with spectacular astronomical views for those who stay awake at night, and incredible sunsets and sunrises for those who can stand the light. The local people are delightful, friendly, and helpful, and there are dozens, if not hundreds, of exciting activities. Geological wonders abound. You will see and do amazing things, and make memories that will last a lifetime, if not more,” he said, looking at the vampire. “I guarantee it.”  
“I want us to have a good time and for these two to learn to get along,” Regina said. “In addition to fun activities and scenery, I want a guarantee that we aren’t being whisked into a black hole, and that we all come back safely, in a week.”  
“Absolutely,” he said, “You have my word, and Belle is here as my witness. Besides, I would hardly whisk my grandson off into some vortex somewhere. In fact, Henry, you’re going to have the time of your life.”  
“Looking at plants?” Henry asked doubtfully.  
“There are many more things there than just the plants.”  
“Does magic work there?” Regina asked.  
“Yes, although a little bit differently than here. You’ll catch on quickly, I’m sure,” he said, taking a vial of purple powder out of a drawer, “And you’ll come back happier and much less stressed out.”  
“I should hope so,” Regina said, watching him mix in some blue powder, and then sprinkle it around them in a circle. “I’m ready to smash something! And if I were to start beating someone,” she said, squeezing Carmilla’s wrist again until she squeaked and squirmed, “I might never stop!” Then Gold pulled an enormous megalodon tooth out of his pocket, and turned it into a shimmering, metallic triangle that floated in air above them. “What the hell is that?” Regina demanded.  
“Just a very rare but important spell component,” Gold answered, sprinkling some purple powder over them, “See you all in a week! Have fun!” In a crackling burst of light, and a delightful humming sound, they vanished. “Aaahh,” he said, sitting back down. “Peace and quiet at last.”  
“Where did you send them, Rumple?”  
“Exactly what was promised, and more.”  
“It sounded nice. Is that somewhere we could go?”  
“I think not, Belle. That place is a bit rustic, I prefer somewhere with amenities.”


	4. The Marshall Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick, Will, and Holly Marshall find Regina, Carmilla, and Henry Mills wandering around in the Land of the Lost, and offer to help them. Will Marshall discovers that vampire venom gets people stoned.

The air was heavy and muggy, but smelled fresh and sweet, like springtime. It was the first thing Regina, Henry, and Carmilla noticed as they materialized, and then looked around. The tropical jungle was shady in spots, the golden glow starting to fade into twilight. Carmilla put her umbrella up, to keep the light off, and they listened to cicadas sing, and something chittering far away.   
“I don’t see a place to plug anything in,” Carmilla grumbled.  
“Where is the hotel?” Regina said, looking around. Henry cautiously stepped forward and started to look carefully at the environment.  
“There’s water over that way,” Henry said, moving some branches and seeing what looked like a lake. “Maybe the hotel is by the lake.”  
“That would make sense,” Regina agreed, and they followed Henry down a short trail to a lakeside, as it quickly grew darker. Regina looked around and said, “I don’t see anything.”  
“Look up,” Henry said. They did, and gasped in surprise to see three large silvery-pink moons in a blue and lavender-lime sky, much closer than they were accustomed to celestial objects being. The end of a galactic spiral arm unfurled like a tentacle overhead, spilling stars as it did so.  
“Where did he send us?” Carmilla asked.  
“Nowhere on Earth,” Henry said.  
“Damn that Rumpelstiltskin!” Regina exclaimed. “I might have known! He sent us into a magical alternate reality. Damn him, anyway!” She looked around in agitation, “It just burns me that he didn’t teleport us into the hotel lobby like any decent person would have.”  
“Somehow I don’t think there is a hotel or a lobby,” Henry said, watching an enormous dragonfly buzz past.  
“There has to be someplace to stay,” Regina said, “Gold said the locals were helpful and friendly. We probably just have to hike around the lake or something to find it.”  
“I hope so,” Carmilla said, following Regina as she started to walk. As they followed the shore, they heard a strange variety of creatures hooting, screeching, and occasionally singing, birdlike from the jungle. Another sound started, softly at first, until it was quite noticeable. They looked up to notice the heavens moving, generating light and sound, the music between worlds. The harmony was so lovely that they sat down in the sand and listened, amazed to discover that the moons and stars moved visibly here, and what they were hearing was the beautiful result. As the evening turned into deep night, it became too dark for anyone to see but the vampire, and so Regina tried to use her magic and create a small lake house, but it shimmered, flickered with thousands of smoky, shimmering lights, and faded.  
“Come on, help me,” she said, and Carmilla joined her. The hazy image wavered again, and then faded with another prismatic display of tiny lights and smoke, leaving them both feeling tired.  
“You’re going to have to lower your expectations,” Carmilla said. “A simple, one room cabin is the best we’re going to be able to do.”  
Regina scowled, and visualized what she wanted, Carmilla helping her. But what materialized wasn’t the open, pretty villa she desired, but a humble brown blanket and an abundance of unnecessary purple fog. “Did you do that?” she asked Carmilla.  
“No, magic must work differently here.”  
“This isn’t funny, Carmilla. I’m exhausted after all of that, and if you screwed up my spell just so you could watch the sky all night long, I will not be happy with you.”  
“I didn’t screw it up. It’s almost like instead of regular magic, it takes a huge amount of energy to get anything at all done. We used all of our effort, only to create illusions and get tired. That’s a lot of waste. It’s maximum smoke and minimum efficiency.”  
“Great,” Regina grumbled, but being exhausted from walking and casting a massive spell that failed, she lay down on the blanket. “I need to rest.”  
“You and Henry sleep,” Carmilla said, “And I’ll keep watch. Who knows what might come out of that jungle?”  
Henry pulled his special blue childhood blanket out of his bag, along with his favorite Batman towel, and made a serviceable if skimpy cover for himself. “Hey,” Regina said, while Carmilla giggled.  
“Didn’t you bring anything useful?” Henry asked.  
“I assumed we were going to a hotel,” Regina answered.  
“Um,” Carmilla ventured, “I think we can safely assume that’s not going to happen.”  
“Then what are we supposed to do?” Regina asked, “Other than admire the night sky.”  
“Worry about finding something to eat,” Henry answered.  
“Damn that Rumpelstiltskin!” Then she said, “Henry, let me borrow that towel.”  
“Didn’t Carmilla pack some sort of creepy cape you could borrow for a blanket?” Henry answered.  
“I’ll need my cape to keep the sun off of me when it rises.”  
“Let me borrow it,” Regina said, “Hand it over.”  
“You’ll get it all sandy.”  
“Too damn bad. Give me the cape.”  
“Am I supposed to just sit here and be cold?”  
“You’re dead,” Regina informed her, “You couldn’t be any colder. Now hand over that cape!”  
“That’s not fair,” Carmilla grumbled as she opened her bag, and after moving several other things around, pulled out a tightly spindled black cape. She handed it to Regina, who unfurled it and put it over herself.  
“What else have you got in that bag of yours?” Regina asked her. “There’s at least one thing you weren’t supposed to have, I’m sure.”  
“Just my stuff,” she answered vaguely.  
Regina grabbed the bag, and started looking through it. She found two bottles of wine immediately. “Well, you weren’t supposed to have these.”  
“I thought I might want them.”  
“You’ve probably got your favorite brand of tea and some marijuana in there as well, I’m sure,” Regina said, looking around.   
“Didn’t you pack anything useful?” Carmilla asked.  
“For your purposes the answer is no,” Regina told her. Then she looked over at Henry, “What else did you bring?”  
“Everything I wished I had in Neverland,” Henry said, “A Swiss Army knife, a real knife, my rock collection, a book on rocks, my favorite towel, my old blankie, a copy of The Hobbit, a bunch of rubber bands, and some extra socks for when my feet get wet. And some other stuff, too.”  
“I don’t suppose a toothbrush made that list, did it?” Regina asked.  
“No, it sure didn’t.”  
Carmilla laughed, “He brought his rock collection!”  
“Shut up!” Henry told her, “You only brought lingerie, a laptop, some weed, and a vibrator.”  
“Henry!” Regina exclaimed.  
“You’ve been snooping through my purse, you little jerk!”  
“What? I can hear you and Emily through the bedroom wall, and you almost always reek.”  
“Stop it!” Regina shouted, “Both of you! We’ll do an inventory of what we have tomorrow morning. Right now, I’m tired, frustrated, and mad as hell at that devil Rumpelstiltskin. So be quiet!” Then she looked at the wine bottle. “Did you by any chance bring a corkscrew?”  
“I’m sure there’s one on Henry’s Swiss Army knife. I can’t imagine any European being without one.”  
“Henry, give it to me.”  
“Mom, are you going to get drunk?”  
“Absolutely. Now give it to me.”  
Reluctantly, Henry handed her his precious, multipurpose tool. “Don’t lose it.”  
“I’m not going to lose it,” she said, taking the knife and looking through the various options, hoping to find what she wanted. Eventually, using what was a barely adequate excuse for a corkscrew, she managed to jam it in into the cork, and then couldn’t pull it back out. “Damn it!” she exclaimed. “Carmilla, pull on this while I hold the bottle.”  
“Don’t do it that way, you’ll waste it!”  
“And you’ll lose my knife in the bushes!” Henry said.  
“Then you do it.”  
“Fine, I will,” Carmilla said, working the cork back and forth, and eventually loosening it from the bottle. “See?” she said, “Science.”  
“When magic is unavailable,” Regina snapped, taking the bottle from her. She took a sip, and said, “If I drink half of each bottle it will last four nights. Ugh, the last three nights here are going to be hell.”  
“Hey, it’s my wine!”  
“Smoke whatever nasty weed you’ve got. I don’t want to stink when we get home.”  
“You thought this awful adventure up!”  
“Where’s my knife? You guys lost it already!”  
Regina took another sip of the wine, and said, “Henry, here’s your knife. Carmilla, sit down over there and shut up.”  
“I don’t want her sitting next to me,” Henry complained, taking his knife and putting it carefully back into the bag. “I don’t want her biting me.”  
“Henry go to sleep, Carmilla sit over here next to me and don’t talk.” Regina was pleased that they both ceased their complaining, and became quiet. She sipped from the wine bottle, and watched the celestial display and choir until she finally fell asleep.  
She woke up late the next morning, to being gently shaken awake. Carmilla put a finger over her lips, and motioned for her to be quiet. Regina sat up and startled, then stared in awe, at the enormous reptilian creatures standing right beside them, slurping water from the lake. There was a large one, presumably a mother, and two small ones. They had duck-like mouths, which they were using to drink and splash water onto themselves, completely oblivious to the small creatures on the beach. Regina reached over and shook Henry, who woke with a start.   
“Damn that Rumpelstiltskin,” Regina muttered under her breath, “We are completely screwed.”

“Where there’s prey, there’s predators,” Henry pointed out as they walked along the beach.  
“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” Carmilla snapped from under the cape where she was hiding, “Isn’t it plain enough to see? This is a kill jar. Rumpelstiltskin plans for us to die here.”  
“That’s not true,” Henry objected.  
“It damn well is true,” she said, “He had a reason to get rid of each one of us, so he did.”  
“Stop arguing!” Regina told them, “You’re irritating me.”  
“Look,” Carmilla said, “I need to find somewhere shady to hide from the sun. I feel like I’m burning already.”  
“Fine,” Regina agreed, “Let’s look for somewhere to set up camp. I’m starting to think there’s no hotel here, at least within walking distance, and my feet hurt.”  
“You’re walking on sand in heels,” Henry pointed out.  
Regina sighed, “Henry, I am not in a good mood, and if you could please not point out the obvious, I’d appreciate it.”  
“Uh, okay. How about you two wait here under the trees and I’ll look around ahead and see if there’s anywhere better.”  
“Wait, Henry!” Regina called as he walked off. She removed her shoes and looked at the blisters. “Henry!”  
Carmilla darted underneath a rocky overhang, where water and roots were dripping down, but at least it was shady. She crouched there like a sad forest creature.  
Regina looked around, and after calling for Henry again with no answer, said, “Damn that Rumpelstiltskin! Damn him! Damn him to hell!” Then, since it didn’t appear to be working, she sat down and looked through her travel bag for her hiking boots. This wasn’t quite the nature hike she’d been anticipating.

Farther away in the forest, Rick, Will, and Holly Marshall were going about their morning chores of gathering food, water, and fuel. Will paused, “Dad, did you hear something?”  
“Yes, Will, I think I did.”  
“It sounded like a human voice.”  
“I think it might have been. Come on, let’s go check it out. If anyone is here in the Land of the Lost, they probably don’t know where they are and need help.” Cries of damnation carried through the jungle, and Rick said, “This way.”  
“That was definitely a person,” Holly said, “And they sure didn’t sound happy!”  
“Well who would be,” Will said, “To find themselves here?”  
“We’re still trying to find a way out,” Holly answered.  
“Hey, quiet, I think I can hear talking ahead,” Rick said, motioning for them to be silent. Making as little noise as possible, they followed the sounds of a conversation.  
“Henry, don’t run off like that! There’s monsters all over this place!”  
“But we have to figure out where we are!”  
“We’re on a miserable, monster-infested beach in the middle of nowhere with nothing!”  
“But there has to be something…” Henry stopped talking, as he saw three people emerge from the foliage, a man in his early forties, a young man of about seventeen, and a girl his own age. “Hey!” he called, and Regina turned around.   
She noticed immediately that the people were wearing safari-like clothing that had been stitched together again and again with a vine-like substance, and that their hats were made out of branches and leaves. “Hello,” she said cautiously. “Do you know where we are?”  
“Sort of,” the young girl said.  
“Holly, wait,” the man said. “Hello, I’m Rick Marshall, and this is my son Will and my daughter Holly, and we call this place the Land of the Lost.”  
“That’s not encouraging,” Regina said, staring at them.  
Henry strode forward, “Hello. I’m Henry, and that’s my mom, Regina. Carmilla is hiding under the blanket over there because she can’t be out in the sun.”  
“It’s nice to meet you,” Rick said, and then offered, “We’ve been stranded here for a long time, but we’ll help you. Where are you from?”  
“Maine,” she answered, and then asked, “What is this place?”  
“As far as we’ve figured out, we’re in some sort of alternate dimension or universe, where time runs differently. We fell through when we went over a waterfall.”  
“Rumpelstiltskin promised me a fun vacation and then spelled us here,” Regina said.   
“That’s kind of an odd name,” Holly said, “Like a fairy tale character.”  
“Because he is,” Henry said, “He’s originally from a place called the Enchanted Forest, and so are my mom and Carmilla. My mom used to be a queen, and Carmilla used to be a vampire; well still is.”  
“Henry!” Regina cautioned.  
“Relax, Mom, things are looking up,” he said.   
“We’re not going to hurt you,” Rick said, “We’ll help you if you’ll let us.”  
“Is there anywhere to stay nearby? I was hoping for a hotel, but that’s not very likely, is it?”  
The Marshalls all shook their heads and chuckled sadly. “No,” Rick said, “There’s nothing like that around here. The best protection is in a cave, and we’ve been living in one for a while now.”  
“A cave?” Regina repeated.  
“That’s the only way to ensure we don’t eaten,” Will explained.  
“The dinosaurs, Mom,” Henry explained. “Some of them are meat-eaters.”  
“Speaking of which,” Rick said, “Let’s take our new friends to the cave before Grumpy wakes up.”  
“Who is Grumpy?” Regina asked.  
“You don’t want to know,” Holly said.  
“A tyrannosaurus,” Will said.  
“Please tell me that you’re joking,” Regina said.  
“It’s no joke,” Rick said, “And by the way, you want to be as quiet as possible when you’re out in the jungle, so as not to attract attention.”  
Quelling her further urges to curse Rumpelstiltskin to hell or anywhere else, Regina thought that accepting these rustic folks offer of assistance was probably her best option, so they followed the Marshalls back to their home- a cave. There was a fire pit, three sleeping bags on a pad of fresh leaves, and hollowed out gourds for storing water. She looked around at the camp in the cave, and was dismayed. “What do we do?” she asked.  
“We eat a lot of carrots and turnips,” Holly admitted.   
“Yeah,” Will added, “And they’re huge. Like everything around here.”  
Once safely out of the sun, Carmilla removed her shrouding cape and blanket, and Will smiled brightly, “Hey, hi.”  
“She’s a vampire and a lesbian,” Henry warned him.  
“I’m not prejudiced,” Will said.  
“Will, calm down,” Rick told him. “I’m sorry,” he said to Regina, “This isn’t much, and it’s been a long time since we’ve seen any other humans. Can we offer you something to eat or drink?”  
“Yes, actually.” She was disappointed to see that the options were very limited; water, unidentified weed tea, turnips, and carrots.  
“Did you bring any camping supplies with you?” Rick asked, seeing only their travel bags and a big blanket.  
“I did!” Henry proudly announced, and then proceeded to show the Marshall family the contents of his backpack, which pleased them very much. They were also delighted by the glass wine bottles.   
“Wow…” they oohhed and aahhed over Henry’s matches and rubber bands. A towel brought them joy.  
“Okay,” Rick said when the inventory was done, “Will, you and me will sleep over by the fire pit. We’ll give the ladies the beds for tonight, and make something better tomorrow. It’s too late to go out now, and we don’t want to be caught out in the jungle at midday.”  
“Aw, Dad!”  
“Don’t complain. The men are over here and the ladies are over there.”  
“I’m nocturnal,” Carmilla said, “I sleep during the day, and can use someone’s bed then.”  
“That’s handy,” Rick said, “So why don’t you and Regina time-share that sleeping bag for the time being.”  
“That’s fine.”  
At that moment, something very large roared in the distance.  
“What was that?” Regina asked.  
“That was Grumpy waking up,” Holly said.  
“Yeah,” Will added, “And he usually comes around looking for a snack.”  
Rick leaned a pointed pole up against the cave wall and said, “Let’s be ready in case he does decide to make an appearance.”  
The gross, rotten farmy smell arrived before the creature. “Ugh!” Henry said, turning up his nose.  
“What’s that awful smell?”  
“Grumpy,” the Marshalls all said together.  
“Where?” Regina asked, looking out at the forest. “I don’t see anything and…”  
Rick grabbed her back. “No, don’t go out there. That’s not how it hunts. Like this,” he said, and rolled a large gourd out of the cave. With a stunningly quick motion the enormous jaws appeared from underneath the cliff and snapped up the gourd. “It’s more like an alligator in the way it lurks,” he explained. “The best way to know he’s coming is the stench.”  
Too scared to answer, she ran to the rear of the cave, where Carmilla and Henry were already sitting down as far away from the cave entrance as possible. They sat together, motionless and silent, while the creature sniffed around, trying to angle its jaws through the cave entrance. It’s massive tongue flicked around the inside of the cave, searching.  
“Time to teach Grumpy not to get that close,” Will said, picking up the pointed timber.  
Rick and Holly took their places, while their terrified guests watched, and together they launched the pointed stick into the creature’s mouth. It made a horrible bellow, and then lumbered off.  
“You’d think he’d get tired of having pointy wooden poles shoved into his mouth,” Will said.  
“It’ll keep him away for a few days, maybe,” Rick said, “But then he’ll be back again.”  
“It’s safe now,” Holly said to their terrified guests, who had nearly melted into the wall, “You can get up.” She watched them curiously while they sat there, silent and scared, not saying anything at all. They remained where they were while the Marshalls prepared their supper, a simple soup.  
Henry was the first coaxed from his position. Carmilla had fallen asleep and Regina wasn’t convinced the horrible monster wasn’t going to come back again. She watched Henry accept a small, hollowed out gourd that passed for a bowl of soup, and sit down with the family, who were eating and chatting, sitting around the fire.   
“Mom,” Henry said, “It’s not bad. It’s just vegetable soup.”  
“Sometimes we get fish from the river,” Holly told him, “But we haven’t been very lucky for a while.”  
“How do you know that thing won’t be back?” Regina asked.  
“The dinosaurs are only active during the day,” Rick said. “It takes several hours of intense midday sun to warm them up out of their nightly torpor until they can move. That’s why we go out early in the morning and then again later in the evening, after it starts to cool off. They all go to sleep as soon as the temperature drops.”  
“Rainy days are great here,” Holly said. “We may get wet, but it’s too cold for them.”  
Sure, Regina thought, but then she watched the family prepare to go out for the evening. They were invited to go along, but Regina refused and forbade Henry to go, either. The Marshalls returned at twilight, when it was becoming difficult to see. They carried with them some more firewood, and some berries, which they put away for the next morning. Henry was asking them questions, and seemed to be making friends with the brother and sister. Then Regina felt a shuffle beside her as Carmilla awoke.  
“Are we still here?” Carmilla asked.  
“Yes.”  
“Oh, so it wasn’t all a terrible dream.”  
“Unfortunately this seems to be all too real.”   
Will noticed Carmilla was awake and came over, sitting down beside her with a big smile. “Hi,” he said.  
“Hello.”  
“So, it must be pretty cool being a vampire, huh?”  
“It has an occasional advantage.”  
“So do you have any cool magic powers? Can you turn into a bat or anything?”  
“Magic seems to work differently here, sort of minimized. It takes an extraordinary amount of magical energy to get anything at all to happen, and then it’s sort of wrong. I’m hesitant to do anything until I know more.”  
“So do you drink blood and all that?”  
“I do drink blood, but what might ‘all that,’ encompass?”  
“You tell me,” he laughed.   
“Nothing I’d risk trying in an unpredictable, quasi-magical world.”  
“But you do drink blood? How does that work?”   
“I bite someone, and my teeth have a numbing anesthetic venom that makes it not hurt, and from what I’ve heard, gets people mildly stoned.”  
“Wow! Really? Hey, I want to try that!”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah! Bite me, baby!”  
“I’m not used to doing this in front of an audience,” she said, looking around at the interested faces. Carmilla took his wrist, and gently bit through the skin, pressing on the back of her teeth to release the poison. “Not feeling it yet,” Will said.  
“Will, I don’t think it’s going to be quite what you’re hoping for,” Rick said, “You’re probably not going to get stoned.”  
“Actually, it is,” Regina said, “She puts people out completely sometimes.”  
“Wow,” Will said, waiting for the high. “Still not feeling it,” he said, while grinning widely.  
“You look goofy enough, sitting there with a big silly smile on your face,” Holly said.  
“Not… stoned yet,” Will insisted, while smiling widely. His smile got goofier as the vampire continued her feeding. “Not… feelin… it…” he stammered, while the others laughed.  
Carmilla stopped, and licked the wound closed. She stared at Will while he grinned dopily. “It’s nice to see something works normally around here.”


End file.
